Thursday, December 09, 2004

Better Person

As time goes on, I find that there are points where I look back at my past self with the knowledge that I am definately a better person now than I was then. The watershed event that lead to this personal growth was a massive personal lose. After many years, I've decided to start talking about this openly.
I'm not grieving the lose any longer. I'm not holding that one moment in time over all others per se. That event does form a cornerstone of my life; the time where I had to look at my life, my concepts of reality, my understanding of myself. But, a cornerstone by itself is still just another block in the building.
What happened, once the grieving subsided, was that I forced to look inward and examine myself. I studied who I was at the time. As my eyes opened about myself, they also opened towards reality. I began to change for the better instinctively. I believe I was a good person before, in the Christian sense. But I wasn't complete. Looking to an outside source for a definition for one's self is ... well, let's just say it didn't work for me. I understand that people do discover Christ do go through an awakening themselves. But you know what? That's because they are coming from an even darker place. I started off with Christ in my heart. My awakening took me from that reasonably bright point to an even brighter, higher level. I now have a better understanding of myself and the world around me because of it.
When I do look back with the knowledge that I am better now, I've caught myself thinking, "I'm done. I am who I want to be. I can't imagine what is left to improve (my human flaws excluded, of course)." Well, I've stopped thinking that. :) The search to be a better person is never done. I can never know or experience enough to make it possible that I don't need further growth.
One very helpful thang I've learned about myself is that I can't fight against my flaws. I have to work with them. Very often, when I do this, the flaws subside on their own.
Reducing flaws isn't all there is to my self-improvement. Adding desireable attributes is even more important. For me, this is done through exploring ideas new to me with an open yet critical mind. Speaking of which, I recommend this movie: What The bleep Do We Know?.
Am I better today that I was yesterday? Yes. Have I become the person I need to be today? Yes. Am I person I need to be tomorrow? Not quite. :)

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