Tuesday, May 04, 2004

My Life - Part I: The Funk Mindset

For most of my life, I lived in a funk mindset. This funk mindset is hard to explain. It was like I wasn’t fully self-aware of my own thoughts and actions at any given moment. Almost as though I was under a trance or in a haze. If life was the act of watching T.V. (not what actually is on the T.V., but the act of watching it) then this funk would be like having the volume turned almost all the way down and assuming that what little you do hear fully represents what was going on, even though you can’t hear most of what is being said. Sometimes the funk is like I was a remote spectator to my own live. Other times, I knew I was in control of my actions, but had my options unnecessarily limited, as though I was wearing blinders when looking at the situation while it was happening. Other symptoms of this funk mindset were: the feeling of complete inferior anyone else around me; lack of self-worth; natural inclination to choose the least successful or most disastrous option available; and even when I was successful at something, I didn’t really feel as though I was the reason for my success. I only seemed to have full self-awareness when I was reflecting on events after the fact, usually when I was alone, often late at night in bed. I often acted or thought in ways that confused me upon reflection.
I entered into this funk sometime before 2nd Grade, I think. I can’t remember there being a particular event that triggered it. Maybe it gradually overtook me. I first realized something was wrong when I was a teenager. I didn't have it figured out yet, though. I had enough trouble just trying to deal with the adolescence. My acute awareness of the funk didn't happen till I was 24. I really didn't exit the haze of the funk completely till I was 28.