Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Ordinary, Not So (stream of consciousness)

Looking at the past, the whole first quarter of my life seems to be as though I was not the person I was supposed to be. It invariably was essential for me to live that portion of my life to become who I am today. Though, it seems I should’ve been able to develop much faster to be me sooner. I know what was holding me back. I know why. It was really something holding me back too. My experiences where indeed limited by my willingness to venture out of the safe cave. When I finally did, it was one wild ride, as though I was being taking along a course to catch me up with where I was supposed to be. I'm living an ordinary life with not so ordinary events that got me here.

Now that I’m well into the second quarter of my life, I am comfortable with who and where I am. Maybe I am too comfortable. I like who I am. I know a lot of people wouldn’t though. I tend to ignore the little things, not taking others seriously when they trip up over them. Little mistakes amount to nothing in my mind, yet for some reason some others hold them over my head. On the other hand, I’m more concerned by the big picture, where others don’t seem to notice or care. I feel limited by my lack of resources to affect the big picture to improve things for everyone. Now that I’ve come this far, it seems I know I have so much farther to go, but can’t seem to find the path. Am I trying? It’s hard when the day-to-day distracts. How does one start something big when the space of time left between the little things is barely enough to recover from having to take care of the little things? Hell, what would I set out to do if I had the resources? I know enough to know I don’t know enough. I do know I’m not into fighting for causes. Too often, those are too focused on too little.

I want to make the world just a little better than how it was when I entered it. Some sort of legacy. Maybe for the time being this is why I write this blog with its articles about so many different topics, from astrophysics to specific details of my own life, from the politically incorrect to religious foolishness, from dreams had to hopes yet to be realized. And yet, there is so much I don’t write about. My words in this site are the tip of the iceberg. There are memories of loss that I dare not pen down. There are experiences that most would not understand that I don’t bother to explain. And there’s mundane details of my daily life that wouldn’t be worth talking about, even on my most bored of days. (I also don’t write about details of my work.)

I’m not asking “is this all there is?”, but I am wondering how I can make more of what I have. It’s almost as though the great adventure is behind me so many years go. I am a better person now, but does that buy me a more difficult task, or a period of reprieve? I don’t ask about the meaning of life. Knowing that doesn’t make life any more meaningful. (What is the meaning of life? To live.) There’s the feeling that perhaps there’s an unfulfilled promise or perhaps some task left undone. Or perhaps I’m impatient. I do have what I want at this point. What is there for me to complain about? Perhaps the choices before me from this point on preclude each other once I take the steps towards one? I want all aspirations to be fulfilled, but feel only one can be pursued at a time.

1 comment:

Dar said...

It's eerie how well I can relate to that post. I've "found myself" yet am always wondering where to begin doing more. I have not blogged in a is in the way.
Thanks for your Christmahannukwanzolsticemas message! Same to you, and a very productive and happy 2008!