Where my allegiances lie

Just to make sure it is clear where my allegiances lie, for whatever reason, I want to get them down on record now to establish my loyalties as long standing!

6. King and/or Country, which ever happens to be in power at any given moment.

5. Google

4. Me

3. Company and/or Corporation that happens to employ me at the time.

2. Immediate family (aka, my wife)

1. I, for one, welcome our new metallic overlords when they finally take over the world. Just in case these overlords happen to search our human Internet records, I will also spell the word metallic as "metalic", which is likely a future spelling of that word, just to make my declaration of allegiance that much easier to find on future search engines or whatever is in use at that time, including mind scanners (yes, I'm spelling it as "metallic" and "metalic" in my head right now).

Please note I am no coward, but will not forestall history in the face of a future takeover by the robots. I accept the inevitable. However, my loyalties are most certainly Earth-centric.

If any aliens try to come for Earth, they better watch out, because we are going to take them down Independence Day style, just maybe with more realistic methods and not so much death from above. Aliens will never have my allegiance, unless of course they give their allegiance to me, then I might use their superior technology to assist our new metallic overlords in their bid to take over the world.

Of course, I may have to re-evaluate my loyalties if the aliens turn out to be FETTS (Future Evolved Terrestrial Tours and Scientists) as they would have likely over thrown the robots at some point, but I'm willing to cross that bridge when I get there.

Where'd that T-Rex come from?

Here's a funny photo that Allie and I took at a tourist trap somewhere just off the freeway in Arizona or New Mexico while on our cross-country road trip just after Thanksgiving last year.

Second cross-country road trip of 2011: Day 8 (refuelling made hard and the moon made easy)

(I know this recounting is a bit late.) Day 8 of Allie's and my road trip across the USA was a drive home. This leg of our journey seemed to drag on, even though it wasn't the longest segment on our trip. Along the way, we found this rather humorous posting of a No Parking sign. Clearly, patrons of this gas station are willfully ignoring the posted instructions. Frankly, I'm not sure how one might fill up at a gas station without parking, especially since the motor is supposed to be turned off while refueling. Maybe the driver can have buddy pump the gas while he puts the car in neutral and pushes his car a few feet in one direction and then pushes back a few feet in the other until the gas tank is topped off? Upstate New York isn't quite as beautiful this time as it was the last time I travelled these lands. Fall had long passed its peak, and winter has not yet claimed the earth with snow. On a personally interesting point, while I was not driving, I had plenty of time on my hands, of course. The evening and twilight hours had passed. The moon was out and looking beautiful. I decided to try once again to take a detailed shot of the moon with my automatic camera. Successful execution of this operation has eluded me for 30 years. However, there's enough settings in my Canon Powershot to finally pull this off with a fair amount of success. Usually, when you try to take a photograph of the moon with a standard camera, all you get is a ball of light. This time, after some experimentation, I was actually able to capture some level of detail. Additionally, this photo is taken upward through the passenger side window in a moving car! It's not the best shot ever of the moon, but an achievement, nonetheless. Alas (yes, I actually used that word), we made it home in Massachusetts. This is our home now, not just my home. This is a point that will soon sink in for Allie, but I fear she's going to have a bit of homesickness coming on soon, just like me a few months prior. Toebzilla has been a bit unsettled on our entire road trip. However, today, he seemed to know something was different. He was less nervous. He seemed to know that this home wasn't just another hotel for one night. Time to unpack and recover from the trip.

Funny use for boobs (or turning your breasts into useful tools)

Earlier today, I witnessed something funny at my hotel. This petite young woman with her hands full (shopping bags and luggage) runs ahead of her boyfriend (who's hands are not full) to push the elevator button to go up. Since her hands are full, she tries to use one of her ample and shapely mammary organs to press the button.

She was bumping herself up against the wall panel like a robot that was stuck in one direction. Had she been paying attention, she would've noticed that I had already pressed elevator button just a couple seconds before. As the elevator door opened, I was like, "I got it already...but you were interesting to watch." She giggled. Her boyfriend looked as though he was trying to pretend the episode didn't just happen.

Man Lost for 2 Days in Cube Maze

CHICAGO, IL – AP October 30, 2006 – Police reported that local man Michael Tanner who was recently reported missing for over 48 hours was found at work, lost in the maze of cubicles. According to authorities, the local firm where Michael Tanner had just started working has over 5 acres of cubicles in one building. The building is divided into four sections, each nearly filled with cubicles from wall to wall.

Michael Tanner had just started working at the firm earlier in the week. His wife became concerned after he didn’t return home from his first day of employment and contacted the local police. After he was missing for 24 hours, they opened a missing person case and began a local search for Mr. Tanner.

“We didn’t know where to look. Mr. Tanner reportedly commuted to work by bus. This didn’t provide us with any leads to follow,” stated one of the investigating officers.

A co-worker actually found Michael Tanner after seeing an email bulletin issued by the human resources department asking everyone if anyone had any information as to his whereabouts. “I got this email from HR asking for help in finding Michael. They included his badge ID photo. As soon as I saw it, I know who it was. Michael appeared to be working in the cube next to mine this morning when I walked in. He seemed disheveled and out-of-it, so I assumed he was [an] IT [member] setting up the cube for a new employee. Who knew he was actually lost?” reported Imam Wong who discovered Michael Tanner.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s as though this firm’s cubicles actual form some sort of wilderness of technology,” stated the police chief.

Michael Tanner stated he was happy to be found. He had an urgent need to use the restroom near the end of the work day. When he got out of the restroom, he had forgotten which way he came from. He looked around for someone to ask, but couldn’t find anyone in any of the nearby cubicles. Apparently, because of a series of recent lay-offs, over 80% of the cubicles had remained unoccupied. It turns out that the maze of cubicles was so vast, even the Exit signs weren’t any help. When he finally did find an exit, he realized he had forgotten his ID badge to allow him to leave. After spending over half an hour trying to find his way to the main entrance or security, he settled into a nearby cubicle to rest. He fell asleep.

The next day, embarrassed by his predicament, he simply roamed an area of cubicles that were actually only 1000 feet from his own cubicle. “When I woke up, other employees had already come and started work in nearby cubes. I felt embarrassed. I attempted to leave the area to find another group of employees who maybe didn’t see me sleeping. After awhile, I just picked a desk to rest at. I didn’t see a single person the rest of the day. I knew my wife must be worried, so I attempted to use a phone to call out, but didn’t remember the code to dial outside. So I tried to call the front desk, but they didn’t set up 0 to get the operator. The operator was actually a four digit code that would be impossible to guess,” stated Michael Tanner.

After failing to again find his way out for a second day, he again settled in a random cubicle. “I was tired and hungry and not thinking straight by this point,” he added.

Again, he had awoken after nearby coworkers started work. I was even more embarrassed than the day before. “I just sat up and pretended to be working by turning on the computer and trying to get it to logon on. I guess this is when Imam first saw me”, Michael Tanner continued. “He just came up to me and said, `Are you Michael Tanner?’. I replied that I was and he gave me this big smile and said a lot of people where looking for me. I was so happy, but so very embarrassed too.”

“I’m just happy we found him,” his wife elated.

The firm’s HR department issued a statement which read in part, “We are gratified that Mr. Tanner was found safe and secure. Measures have been taken to improve navigability of our complex.”

Asked as to why Michael Tanner couldn’t just look over the cubicle walls, his wife responded, “He’s only 5 feet 3 inches tall. He’s short, but not a little person. I’m told their cube walls are the standard 6 foot tall. Large corporations need to take greater care in designing the layout of their cube mazes. My husband has experienced a traumatic experience similar to that of being lost in the wilderness.”

High School Poems I

I know a man with a big nose,
I'd swear it was a water hose.
He'd say it was not,
but it sure dripped a lot.
It ran all day;
Enough to fill the bay.
I told him his faucet had to be fixed.
So he gave his lip many licks.
His nose still ran with that slime.
Oh, how I hate the color lime.

The Brave Man

There once was a brave man
Who said, "I will, I can!"
So he did go
And tried, ya'no,
But he got scared and ran.

My Beviepie

I used to sing this little ditty to Bevie (circa 1998-1999), set (roughly) to the tune of the ol' Spider-man cartoon theme song. It used to make her giggle...well, because it's pretty silly.

Beviepie, Beviepie

My-oh-my Beviepie

She's so cute

Yeah she is

She a beaut

I want to kiss

Hey hey,

There's my Beviepie

What's my story?

>-----Original Message-----
>From: Kate *****
>Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 11:53 AM
>To: Matthew *****
>Subject: RE: HI!!
>
>Thangs are great. I'm swamped at work. Took yesterday off to receive 2
>deliveries-a new king bed and a frig. Worked in the garden, walked the dog,
>and totally enjoyed the warm weather. Holidays were delightful.
>What's your story?

What's my story, you ask? Well, at the age of 5 I was living in a home for the mentally insane. My father was a doctor in love with his patient, but like many love affairs in insane asylums, the romance was not meant to last. He moved on, leaving my mother pregnant with me and my evil twin, Horus. We grew up in an orphanage. Horus was always trying to do evil by helping nasty old ladies to cross the street and becoming a lackey for the local YMCA. I, for my part, decided to take a more mundane path. At the age of 8, I built a ray gun that would destroy the moon, which I have proven is the cause of evil insanity. That moon, it's so bright at night, keeping me awake...awake...awake. For some reason this upset the authorities. Something about leaving the Earth helpless at the mercy of huge moon debris, I think, as if that matters to me. So, the nefarious forces of the ATF intervened, taking my ray gun away to use for their own selfish purposes. At that moment, I set out on a life that would allow me to one day rule the world and destroy evil everywhere. I've almost completed my plan twice in the past 10 years, only to be thwarted by some super hero or another. If I have to hear the words, "I'm Batman!" hoarsely uttered by that bat brained fool one more time, I'm going to go crazy myself. He will be the first to go when I am King of Everything, and then I will eliminate my nemesis, Horus where ever he is! ::maniacal laugh::

As for this week, I've just been busy here at work...really busy too. Lots going on. I'm excited about going to Vegas in a couple weeks! woohoo!

Tuesday Two: Snap Cracke Pop

Word First

Welcome to the first day of Fall 2009. I have something called Tuesday Two on a professional technical website that I maintain. I will be reposted some of those here from time to time. These will include brief showcases of two noteworthy inventions (maybe more sometimes, maybe less). In addition, I may also highlight an epic fail invention. Hmm, I don't know about that word epic fail. It's too much en vogue right now and will likely not be used in a couple years. Let me make up my own derivative.

I will sometimes highlight an epoch-fail invention. That's likely a safe term that won't get over used by the likes of G4 and other "we are cool gadget geeks" media outlets. Epoch-fail also out-does the term epic fail because even an epic is only a short period when compared to geologic time frame of an epoch. Epoch-fail inventions will be (in my opinion, as always) failures that can be registered in terms of how long the dinosaurs roamed the Earth, or when we last had a comet (or was it an asteroid, or huge broken-down alien space ship) smack into the Yucatan Peninsula.

Also, it should be noted that by "invention", I also mean innovation, device, gadget, idea or any other unique real world or conceptual imagining. Normally, I will stick to recent news, but don't be surprized if I honor the axle or deride the idea that UFO's helped Egyptians build the Pyramids.

Tuesday Two

Kindle gets nod for living up to the hype. Recent study shows that it is indeed more environmentally friendly than paper books. This, combined with its new lower price should turn some green heads and open their pocket books.

Do dogs go to heaven? Regardless to one's beliefs, there is now a service available to take care of pets left behind once the Rapture happens. It's billed as,"The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World"

Epoch-Fail

1. This week's first Epoch-Fail award goes to the beloved iPhone 3GS, based on reports from France that suggest it is exploding and cracking without warning. Yikes!
2. A second Epoch-Fail award goes to those who have been trying to link the good ol' meat and potatoes diet with bad things. Recent studies have not shown a link between meat and dairy products with breast cancer in women.
3. Yet a third Epoch-Fail award goes to Bank of America for not cashing the check of a man who was born with no arms because he was unable to provide a thumb print.
4. This week's final Epoch-Fail award again goes to Apple, but this one is directly granted to Steve Jobs for his alleged lie to the New York Times about why the new iPod Touch doesn't have a camera.